Self-Sabotage: An Unconcious Act That Hijacks And Ruins Your Life

This is part II of the trilogy for self-sabotage, for part I please visit here.

The Unveiling

Question: what is there to unveil?

Answer: why self-sabotage seems to be attached to the human psyche to the point of being vicious.

How's that?

First, fear may be taken (consciously or not) as something positive and even necessary for survival. Well, that might be true concerning the survival of our vessel (biological body), after all, if we don't fear standing in front of a car going 100 km per hour, we commit suicide. However, the same logic does not apply to the emotional/psychological world.

Then why are we so inclined to allow fear in us? Perhaps because fear leads us to defend what we desire. However, by defending what we desire through fear we are actually attacking what we desire. In order to go deeper into all this, we should first understand a bit more about the linear sequence of events that mainly constitute self-sabotage.

First, there's the "waiting time" along with a constant Will to know what is ahead or not perceived, in turn they (waiting time + Will to know) generate doubt, and doubt itself generates the fear-desire cycle.

When we are not experiencing something we want, we tend to dive into a sea of doubt that segregates us between the part that encourages us (desire) and the part that discourages us (fear). This way, doubt seems to attract the human thoughts and emotions because it reflects the fight between good (desire) vs evil (fear)/pleasure (desire) vs pain (fear), which appeals so much to the human soul, catching the interest and fueling the investment of lots of emotional energy in order to "win" the fight. However, engaging in this battle only turns the fight and self-sabotage into an endless addictive cycle.

Another question that arises is, if doubt is the prime force behind the fear-desire cycle, why would we continue to allow and even feed doubt as if our existence meaningfulness depended on it?

Probably because unconsciously we know that if we could eradicate doubt, we would also eradicate the fear-desire cycle, and it's as if we are content to experience suffering from fear as long as we experience the pleasures and comforting/relieving/soothing effects that desiring provides. Thus, doubt is potentially destructive but also highly addictive.

Furthermore, doubt not only concerns events in which we can act upon directly or indirectly but also events which we barely can do anything besides hoping, which is one of the reasons why we are so compelled to accept doubt without even questioning.

Moreover, the feelings of relief and euphoria combined with joy we get when our desires are fulfilled after the waiting time are just so overwhelming, that maybe we see it as a prize worth having after having gone through fear created by doubt and all the consequences of it (anxiety, nervousness, anger) during the period of waiting.

But why are we willing to suffer, sometimes a long period of time, only to get a chance of experiencing a little bit of pleasure/comfort/relief?

Perhaps because unconsciously such behaviour was planted in us by several situations we have had ever since we were kids, that taught us that if we suffer or express suffering, we can get something good out of it. For instance, have you ever made the same mistakes with someone over and over again? Do you remember the relief/comforting feeling you get after you're forgiven? Before that feeling, there is a lot of tension/argument/headaches/feelings of guilt, regret, shame, anger and sadness. Do you think you're addicted to all the suffering caused by such feelings? If you were not, then why would you go on making the same mistakes and going through all that suffering? Perhaps because the forgiveness and the feeling of "getting back what you've lost kind of feeling" (relationships, connection, intimacy) is perceived by your subconscious as something worth having despite needing to suffer for it

Did you ever victimize yourself only to be cared by others? There are many ways to do that: avoiding someone you want to talk to just so the person comes to you instead of you going to them, saying discouraging words to/about yourself only to hear comforting words from others towards you, and even making yourself inclined to behaviours such as crying, being sad or pretending to be sad, only to attract caring from others and the pleasures you can get from it

Now think with yourself if you have ever put yourself through any situation listed above or any other similar to them. Now ask yourself, which is the healthiest attitude: maintaining stable relationships by avoiding making well-known mistakes with someone and putting yourself above difficulties or having unstable relationships that are governed by lots of tension followed by forgiveness/relief and putting yourself down with the purpose of hearing comforting words from others?

Do you agree that the first attitude is the healthiest? By now you might wonder if the second attitude is really that bad, after all, it comes with receiving forgiveness and getting relieved/comforted... Despite sounding very good to our ego to receive such things after troubled times, we should understand that if we get comforted, that means we were not comfortable before, if we get relieved, it means we were in agony before, if we get forgiveness, it means we were associated with guilt before. By now you should have noticed that the second attitude requires the breaking down of the continuation/constancy of being comforted, in peace (vs being in agony) and not associated with any guilt feeling, while the first attitude means constant comforting, peace and guiltless mind.

So what would you rather have? If the answer is: constant comforting, peace and guiltless mind, please continue to part III where we will deconstruct self-sabotage.

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